“He won’t change. What do you expect? He’s a 71-year-old man.”
Lately I’ve been hearing this comment, or some version of it, on various cable and mainstream news programs, always referring to a certain Leader of the Free World / Commander in Chief / Current Inhabitant of the Oval Office.
But I’ve also heard this comment, or some version of it (at times adjusted for gender) in many other contexts. Such as when referring to an older woman who insists to her adult children that she wants to age in her own home rather than be “put” in a nursing home. Or when discussing the angst of trying to get the car keys away from dear, confused Dad before he kills himself or someone else.
Many Americans embrace the distorted idea that a person’s age is inversely proportional to his or her capacity to change. Somehow we have developed the ageist assumption that our values, beliefs, and behaviors, like our arteries, harden with the years and that if we live long enough, most of us will morph into the caricatured crotchety hag or the get-off-my-lawn geezer. That’s Just. Not. True.
So you’ll excuse me, dear reader, if I do a slow burn.
Sure, there are elders who are more determined than ever to hold on to lifestyles to which they have grown accustomed and continue to treasure. But if we’re honest, don’t we know people in their 40s –– or even their 20s –– who do the same thing? The ability and desire to change are not age-determined. They are a function of an individual’s curiosity, flexibility, confidence, and courage –– personality traits that can be developed at any time and, in fact, are more likely to grow as we age.
If anyone you know needs convincing of this, ask them to consider these realities:
Older adults almost always have the capacity to change. Neuroscientific studies are revealing all the time important assets of aging, including greater brain capacity and more subtle and sophisticated ways of interpreting and applying information. Even older adults with cognitive impairment are often able to change their perceptions and behavior when provided compassionate, person-centered care in a supportive environment.
Older adults almost always have the desire to change. We have only to look at the burgeoning numbers of “encore” careers and “elderpreneur” businesses to see that many older adults are not only capable of but eager to transition to newer ways of being productive, giving back to society, and leaving a lasting and meaningful legacy.
Older adults are always coping with and adjusting to change. Whether it’s dealing with physical changes to the body; deaths of family members, friends, and other peers; decreasing workplace opportunities; transitions to other housing situations; or increasing economic instability, older adults constantly confront internal and external changes. And they do so with the added challenges of maintaining their dignity and autonomy in a youth-centered, youth-obsessed society. If we consciously observe and talk with as many elders as we can, we will realize that being stubborn or otherwise incapable of embracing change, and therefore not changing, is the exception rather than the rule as people get older. Flexibility and resilience are the hallmarks of age.
We must reject the assertions of media pundits, business managers, nonprofit administrators, friends, family members, and all others who use age as a justification for individual intransigence. They are simply wrong. Stubbornness, ignorance, and fear can inhabit a person at any point in life, be it at age 21 or 71. So can adaptability, wisdom, and audacity. Self-transformation is always a personal choice.
I hope that we will educate ourselves as a society and realize that age in itself is not a factor in the evolution of an individual’s personality. And I look forward to a time when we respond more truthfully, naturally, and forcefully to ageism:
“Of course s/he can change. What should you expect? S/He’s a(n) [XX]-year-old person.”
Hi. I am a student taking Aging 320 at the Erickson School of Aging. This post intrigued me because I also hear a lot about how older adults do not change and it is near impossible for them. I don’t se that to be true. I believe that everyone, no matter what their age, is always looking for some new, exciting things to do. I think that it may be harder for older adults to accomplish that however, which can be related to a couple things; that includes there ability to perform the given task, or maybe just their absolute desire for the same, old action that got them through the first X number of years. With that said, they could try something, and it might be a little difficult because their ability and they just say “Forget this, my way is easier”. They could also try something new, fail one time, and revert right back to their old ways, since that is the only way they know how.
With all that said, I truly believe that older adults want to change. I just think that things get in the way of that sometimes; things that come with old age. If older adults want to change, I think they should look at Haber’s “Ten Tips for Changing Health Behaviors”. He goes in to detail about how one can change their ways, and succeed. Of course, having people help you along the way is a big part in change. Older adults don’t think “I don’t want to”, they think “I cant”, and having family support changes that to “I will”.
Hi I am a student that is taking Aging 320 at the Erickson School of aging. This blog entry that resonated with me because change is always upon us. People develop new curiosities and interests all of the time which develop new traits as we age. I truly believe that even older adults seek change, but they get wrapped up in their age and they feel as if they cannot do this. Being a college student, I see and learn new things everyday especially because I am going to be graduating in the spring. So, exploring jobs to apply for and looking for a place to live are all new things that I am going to have to take on after college. This is scary to some extent, but I think fear is what drives a person to be successful when conquering change.
I feel that older adults can seek change as often as they want. Everyone faces challenges in their lifetime, but it is how we deal with it that makes it a positive change. My position to this blog relates to a concept I have learned in my Aging 320 class. I have learned about Haber’s “Ten Tips for Changing Health Behaviors” which offers the reader tips to make a healthy behavioral change. I think having a good support system is a great way to receive help when changing something in your life. I know I am very thankful for my family and friends to help guide me in these new life decisions because I do not have all of the answers. So, asking others for help is a great resource, and everyone should do it.
Given what you have said here, I suspect you’ll be interested in the Elder Wisdom Circle (see elderwisdomcircle.org) This is an inter-generational, free, on-line, anonymous sharing platform where Elders (all at least 60 and ranging up to 100!) respond to requests for advice from younger people. “Younger” is a relative term and there are sometimes requests from people who would be considered “seniors”. Most requests are from young people.
Oh, we are SO on the same wavelength. Just because a certain 71-year old brings out the ageism in us…I wrote about it here: http://anyshinything.com/midlife/do-people-change-after-middle-age. Thanks for beating the drum.
You’re right, Lynne. We are SO on the same page!
Keep spreading the wisdom.
While I found this article interesting, I can’t agree with the assertion that “self-transformation is always a personal choice.” I have encountered people who, because of mental or emotional problems are not able to make that choice. So, while I agree that many people can make the choice of self-transformation, that is really not “always” possible.
What a thoughtful and well-developed, brief article. Thank you.
Good post, but unfortunately the elders I know don’t and won’t change their lifestyles even if it’s bad or not beneficial…
The third reality—”Older adults are always coping with and adjusting to change”—couldn’t be truer. As we move through life rolling with all the punches and realizing we can make it through *this,* it can’t help but make us more expert at handling change! But some people—those that are naturally curious, open, questioning, and flexible—actually seek out and embrace change because that to them means being alive. They have no doubt been like that their whole lives–good models for all of us.
This is a very important post. Connie’s comment captures it: “change is life.” But the lesson I’ve learned is that to be able to work with change you have to be flexible and to be flexible you have to be able to shed fear — and that has to be built into a child by parenting that supports making mistakes. At 81 I’m fascinated by how many of my friends, typically younger than me, feel they can’t do something.
I agree that older adults have the desire and ability to change, and most do, throughout their remaining years. It is unjust and maddening to hear the ageist assumptions that they ‘will never change’. I’m glad you took this on!
Sooooo true. Change is life…no change,no life!
Great post. Excellent reframe. Thanks!