Bonnie Moore (left) and Victoria ClarksonIf you’re like me, you weren’t surprised to read about the recent Age Wave/Merrill Lynch study finding that two-thirds of retirees now say they are living in “the best home of their life.”
I too am living in my dream home, but with a different cast of characters than I could have ever imagined. When a divorce left me living alone in newly remodeled 5-bedroom home in 2008, I searched for and found four roommates to fill the bedrooms.
Now more than eight years later, my roommates have become an important part of my life. In addition to contributing rent that makes my mortgage affordable, we throw parties together, get to know one another’s friends, and help each other out.
Golden Girls Living on the Rise
I call it the Golden Girls (or Golden Guys) Lifestyle and it is shared housing for mature adults. In 2000, there were 820,000 households where single people ages 46 to 64 shared housing with non-relatives, according to Bowling Green State University’s Center for Family and Demographic Research. By 2013, that number had risen to 1,090,000.
That’s right—roommates aren’t just for college students anymore! The shared living movement is being embraced across the country as an exciting aging-in-place option for baby boomers.
People are looking for answers because housing cost are too high both for retirees and those of us who are still working. People are lonely when kids grow up and their spouse is no longer around. Many struggle financially. Shared living is a great solution.
Finding the Right Roommate
“Finding the right person” is at the top of the list when you decide to embark on this adventure. But, who is right for you? How do you know? Start with, “Who am I, and what is important to me?” When you know these answers, you know who you are looking for!
Start by considering these common deal-breakers. Does she/he smoke? Is it OK with you if the person is an outside smoker? Will she/he bring a pet? Sometimes pets don’t like to move, and they let you know. Bringing in a new pet is a “two-fer!”
Are there cultural or lifestyle differences that will become too difficult? I encourage diversity, but sometimes you can live next door to someone but not in the same house. For instance, are there significant differences in religious practices, eating habits, hobbies, political interests, working hours, and a bunch of other things that are important for a comfortable living situation? You have to decide what works for you, and then talk about it.
Other Shared Living Considerations
Age Differences. Look for a roommate that is within ten years of your age, and don’t go beyond twenty years on either side. With too much of a difference, you will notice the age nuances and it will frustrate you!
Cleanliness factors. Most women are accustomed to housework and will keep a place in good shape. Some women, however, really need things to be back in their places immediately, every spot wiped off the counter, and the floor swept daily. If this is you, find someone like you. If this is not you, same advice.
Can you get along with his/her personality? Are you fairly assertive and outgoing? Are you quiet and bookish? How would you assess the personality of a potential roommate? Can you sense an “angry” factor beneath the surface? How would you assess the “honesty factor”?
Interviewing a potential roommate is a lot like a job interview. He/she will tell you what you want to hear. It is your job to listen below the surface and hear danger signals. Trust your intuition. Selecting a good roommate takes patience, but it can be done. You also learn a great deal about yourself and you learn to develop assertiveness!
Where to Start
Once you identify the factors that are important to you, start advertising and talking to your friends. Print up a flyer and pass it out at your church or community groups. Develop a listing for some of the major roommate sites, including Golden Girls Network, and keep talking about it! Don’t be afraid to interview a number of people before making a decision.
Most of all, start developing your written house agreements and a written lease. Even if you decide to rent on a month-to-month basis, you need it in writing. Don’t take anything for granted…get those details down in writing. Be positive and forthright, and decide what is important to you.
I find the statement in the section on “Other Shared Living Considerations,” on Age Differences is shocking: “Look for a roommate that is within ten years of your age, and don’t go beyond twenty years on either side. With too much of a difference, you will notice the age nuances and it will frustrate you!”
One of the key social issues facing elders is ageism. It is something we very much need to question and challenge, not accept passively as though these attitudes cannot be shifted if they are proven to exist. To state that people older than you–or younger than you–are simply annoying as roommates and should be avoided is disappointing. If this is based on some kind of scientific study, then it might be worth mentioning. If it is just an opinion, it seems truly off base for the work of the Golden Girls Network. Individual people may have their own opinion, but broad statements like that really cry out for some kind of social science reality check. I appreciate the overall GG message and what you are accomplishing. I just wanted to let you know how I reacted to this statement and that I think it is out of place in the overall context of your endeavor.
Thank you.
I’m excited to read this article and the comments. I have to say that living together can work, and work really well. I am involved in as well as researching for my PhD, a new social housing model whereby 5 older women share a purpose built house. They were strangers, now they call themselves sisters. They are equal and my community housing trust manage the house, they manage the household. They are all amazing women, committed to making this work for them.
Maggie Kuhn had this idea many years ago. It is exciting to read about it coming to reality.
Love the idea of sharing housing. BUT don’t regulations (state and local zoning) make this unworkable? N.J. says if you rent out rooms In your house you’re an illegal boarding house and subject to a $5,000/ day fine.
I am a student of the Erickson School of Aging. I agree that this post is changing aging by showing that older adults do rent apartments with strangers as roommates.
This topic relates to stereotypes of aging that people in society can hold of older adults. Adults living together is good because all the older adults can keep each other company. This can reduce financial stress and prevent depression. Older adults should keep all agreements in writing so records are kept for disputes between parties. I am Jason Gentile.
I met Bonnie Moore when she visited Dallas and we asked Laurie Miller (the Dallas franchisee for Golden Girls Network) to speak to the Age-Friendly Arlington (Texas) group that I lead. There was a lot of interest in the concept and I appreciate the hard work it takes to make the information available to everyone. Thanks to Bonnie and to Laurie.
This is something I have thought about, being that it would make many parts of life more comfortable – as long as the rules of the road can get worked out ahead of time can also remember that when I once lived with a friend – still a good friend because I moved on. She was the neat freak; I was the slob. Both exaggerations, but that is how we started seeing each other. I also have seen a long term friendship founder when two women decided to buy a condo together, ignoring warning signs and not discussing everything upfront. There ought to be a “36 questions” for would-be roommates!
We are trying a new model up here in Canada spearheaded by Solterra Co-housing. Once the golden Girls (or boys) begin to develop Alzheimer’s they can stay in their shared home with an added a care component. We still haven’t tackled that very end of life Hospice stage but we will.
Can you give me some information about your project – like where is it and how far is it along? I’m interested in getting something going in my neighborhood.
according to this article, i am way to old for this. HA! i’m going on 74. and the idea that people of different ages would not get along is, to me encouraging agism. some people may only want to be around people their own age, like some would like to be with those who think just like they do. anyway, this is not a new idea and is a kind of intentional community. there are cohousing communities started by older people that have been around for quite a while. this is a variation and is a good idea except what happens when the owner of the house is no longer able to live this independently? or doesn’t want to rent any longer?
i agree that it is important to find people we would enjoy living closely to and that is no doubt the hardest part. i haven’t read this book yet, but intend to do so: http://www.amazon.com/Annamarie-Pluhar/e/B005XT1SN6/ref=dp_byline_cont_pop_book_1
there are other books and websites on this topic and http://www.ic.org/ may be useful. in the search engine on the home page put in “elders” or “seniors”.
Rosemary…You’re not too old! There has been a 20 year spread between roommates in my house and it has worked out well! The most important thing is compatibility and similar lifestyle. I love the idea of two retired people living together and enjoying each others’ company. ….Bonnie Moore
Rosemary, one more thought…yes there may be a problem somewhere down the road when the owner ‘s health is an issue…I will have to face that, but right now it works well and I have developed a contingency plan with my family in the event I can no longer live independently. I anticipate I have another 20 years before that happens, and I’m going to enjoy the companiionship now.
the unequal legal arrangement and uncertainty of landlord/lady and tenant living together has definite disadvantages. if possible i would look into an intentional community arrangement like cohousing or co-op if it is affordable. it could be exclusively for elders. even the i.c. community has been slow in dealing with it’s elders, but thgat is changing…
http://www.cohousing.org/elder-cohousing
http://www.ic.org/wiki/senior-cohousing/