I want to talk about another word that is used to demean and diminish older people. This time Kavan’s the one getting in dustups over a word, with no less than two of the most influential figures in American culture — Oprah and AARP.
This word is one of the most disabling and demeaning five letter words in the English language. It derives its power largely from our culture’s collective fear of age and aging. Can you guess what word I’m talking about?
STILL.
In American society, older people are accorded respect and allowed to maintain their standing as an adult only to the degree that they can still…
Everyone understands this game and knows how it’s played. Nieces and nephews boast, “My Aunt Myrtle, she still drives.” Sons and daughters brag “My Dad, he’s 82, and you better believe it, he still works five days a week.” Not even great-grandchildren can resist — “Ohpah turned 94 this month. He just got back from climbing Pike’s Peak. He’s in Florida and he still water skis— barefoot— in the nude!”
AARP loves to praise active older adults and celebrities who are still… For example, last week they tweeted:
@AARP Broadway legend Chita Rivera is still fabulous–and it’s her 80th Birthday. Cheers to Chita!
Kavan (@ChangingAging) tweeted back:
@AARP Chita Rivera is fabulous — period. Lose the “still”, it’s revolting to characterize people’s worth by what they can “still” do.
We live in an age when older people are deemed worthy only to the degree that, in their thoughts and actions, they resemble young people. This ethos is very rigidly applied and we all know what happens to older people who can’t still do the things that adults are supposed to do.
They disappear.
The word “still” is intended as praise but actually serves to wound and diminish older people. The prominent place it holds in our lexicon, reminds us that, when it comes to people living in the latter decades of life, success is defined by the absence of “change, interruption, or cessation.” It is a peculiar conception of human life that equates “success” with a lack of change. Our use of the word “still” reveals an ordinarily unstated assumption: In contemporary American society, any deviation from the parameters of vigorous adulthood, by definition, carries the stigma of failure.
The contradictions that bedevil this position become obvious as soon as we apply its tenets to childhood. It is hard to imagine someone like famed child psychologist Dr. Benjamin Spock endorsing an approach to childhood that was based on thwarting the normal processes of growth, change and development. The idea of health and wellness programs for children designed and intended to delay and, if possible, prevent the passage of young people out of childhood and into adulthood would violate some of our most basic social norms.
Older adults obsessed with retaining their youthfulness might pride themselves on their devotion to common sense and they do resist aging with an energetic persistence, but they are also deeply misguided. Healthy happy people are meant to grow and there are crucial moments in our lives when that growth compels us to leave one stage of the human lifecycle, and enter into the next. It is our culture’s inability to see the value of “life beyond adulthood” that traps them in a desperate and ultimately doomed effort to continue living as adults.
This is the tyranny of ‘still’.
This made me think about my language and I realize that I don’t use “still”, probably because, between exposure to Dr. Thomas and Ashton Applewhite I’ve had the “still” surgically removed. I do find that I get “stilled” by others as in “you’re still working?”
-Ed Friedman, Executive Director, Lifetime Arts
I’m sorry, but I think it IS an accomplishment to STILL be able to climb Pike’s Peak at 94, or whatever. The comparison to babies and toddlers growing up just doesn’t work the same way. Since the reasons we stop driving or water skiing or climbing mountains is deteriorating vision, coordination, balance, and so forth, why celebrate these changes the way we would the growth of a child? It is important to live as fully as we can with whatever capabilities we have at any age, and we should get to define what is “good living” ourselves. I am 71 and not proud of what I can still do, but consider myself fortunate to be able to do those things.
Thanks for sharing that view Lynne, I think a lot of people feel that way. I don’t think anyone is immune to the desire to retain the strength and vigor we had in our youth or having pride in doing so. I’m 35 and the only thing I can’t “still” do is recover from a hangover before lunchtime. I run almost every day, faster and farther than I ever did in my 20s, and I climb mountains and repel into caves for fun. Right now I desire to do that stuff as long as I live and I have trouble imagining a life in which I can’t scale a mountain. But I know, eventually, inevitably, the day will come when either I can’t or no longer desire to run or climb. I hope when that happens I am able to come to terms with the change — on my own terms. But I also hope my family, friends and society won’t define me based on what I can or cannot “still” do.
Good post, I’m entrenched in the middle of the world of aging and I’m subconsciously completely guilty of this, thats an easy one to change. However, on a personal note I’m going to keep saying about my self that I “still” can’t dunk!
OMG…I just don’t know what to say when people say, “Are you STILL working?” Do they mean, I look too old, act too old, should be acting my age??? They make me feel like I’m doing something wrong.
Thanks so much for this. I heard this in conversation myself recently and spoke up about the hidden message. This is such a common slip. I’m sure I’ve done this myself. Still, it’s right up there with “You still look good for XO.” Substitute “still” work well, speak well, move well, etc. “for XO.” What a surprise! You’re not decrepit! As for older adults trying to retain “youthfulness,” we can re-frame that attribute as the presence of energy, vigor, dynamism and so on. We can’t live backwards but we can live fully. – Rachel Adelson, author, “Staying Power: Age-Proof Your Home for Comfort, Safety and Style”
Wonderful blog essay…thank you…shared it on FB.
Brilliant…brilliant…brilliant! It’s the subtleties of language that we aren’t even aware of. Thank you for bringing this subject to the forefront of the conversation. I’d love to use some quotes from here on my blog.
I work in the field of services to older adults and this article has just caused me to stop and realize what I am saying each day. Yes, this post is helping change the way we think about aging. You just made me change the way I speak and think. Good job.
Laura — that’s one of the most rewarding reader comments we’ve ever gotten. Real. Personal. Impactful. Thank you for sharing.
there’s a a phrase I’d add to your STILL is “Oh, bless you heart”
I love this!!! I might have to borrow your phrase “The tyranny of the still! I of course will credit it to you!