*image from Toronto’s anti-ageism campaign
Believe it or not, fellow Baby Boomers, we are headed for old age. Even if we’re still fit and active and don’t feel old yet, our bodies are getting weaker and more frail and no exercise, vitamin or anti-aging regime can save us. So we had better re-think old age if we want to make the most of it. We may already have overcome ageist attitudes about our current stage of life but if the prospect of getting really old is grim and frightening and we can’t see anything good about it, we are still under an ageist spell.
Many years ago, when I turned sixty, I didn’t realize I was on the front-line of a generation that would transform aging. All I knew was that the demeaning jokes and attitudes I’d always heard about little old ladies would now apply to me. The thought of it made me cringe. I did not feel like a little old lady and certainly did not want to be treated like one.
I wasn’t alone. As more and more Boomers entered their sixties, we realized that, as a group, we were not over-the-hill or out-of-it or any of the other negative stereotypes our culture tried to pin on us, we were a new breed, more fit and healthier than people our age had ever been. And we had something else going for us. The liberation movements of the 1960s and ‘70s, not only raised our awareness of racism and sexism, but also primed us to recognize another form of oppression: ageism.
We did not take to the streets as many of us had when we were young, but in a non- confrontational, more (ahem) mature way, we broke free of our culture’s anti-aging spell and began to appreciate our stage of life. We traveled, postponed retirement, started new careers and enjoyed sex and romance. “Sixty is the new forty” became our refrain, but in many ways, sixty was even better than forty. Beyond being almost as fit as we were in middle-age, we also had decades more experience and a broader perspective plus the freedom from work and family responsibilities that forty-year olds could only wish for. It was a dynamite combination and it had never existed before, not on this scale.
Personally, my former involvement in the Women’s Movement helped me see parallels between a male-oriented culture that negated femaleness and a youth-oriented culture that negated age. As a well-indoctrinated ageist, however, I couldn’t immediately see anything good about turning sixty. To enlighten myself as well as others, I decided to put together an anthology of positive memoirs, stories and poems about older women and placed an ad in a writers’ magazine calling for submissions. My plan may not sound that impressive but, for me, it took a lot of nerve. I’d had some stories published but knew nothing about publishing a book. Nor had I ever edited another writer’s work, certainly not any who might be more accomplished than I. Yet there I was at sixty, daring to take on the project. And I had no doubt I could succeed. That sense of confidence was the first benefit of aging that I discovered.
I soared through my sixties and early seventies, shedding ageist ballast as I went. Granted, I ceased being an object of sexual interest (which has some advantages) and had more aches and pains, but there were emotional gains that surprised me. Not only did I have the confidence it took to get my anthology published, I was freer, more open, less self-concerned and life, in general, was more fun. Who knew getting older could be fun? It became my mission to tell anyone who would listen not to dread their sixties. I even looked for opportunities to call myself “old” because people invariably assumed I was demeaning myself. “You’re not old,” they’d protest. “Don’t say that.” To which I’d blithely respond, “What’s wrong with being old? I like it.”
I could say that as long as I didn’t feel old. Then I turned seventy-five and everything changed. I have more pains and less energy and have had to limit activities like yoga and hiking that I used to enjoy. And it will only get worse: I could become physically incapacitated, lose people I love, maybe even lose my mind and then I’ll die. And when I look in the mirror, there she is, the Little Old Lady. Surprise! I’m old—really old. I thought this would never happen to me. Ha!
Compared to what I’m facing now, the years between sixty and seventy-five were “old age lite.” Science may eventually reverse or stop physical deterioration but so far the dreaded decline has merely been postponed, not eliminated. It is still hard for me to see anything good about physical diminishment, loss or death. At least I’m not fooled. My image of what may lie ahead is so totally negative, I must be under an ageist spell.
Eventually, we will no doubt define a more life-affirming view of this next stage but once again, I find myself on the front line of the effort to see beyond our own ageism. I have to consciously flip each negative assumption over to find the positive hidden below. For example, when I watched my ninety-one-year old neighbor arduously hobble down the street with her shopping cart, my automatic ageist reaction was to focus on her physical weakness and think, “I hope that never happens to me.” Only on second thought did I also appreciate her determination to remain independent and admire her strength.
Here’s what else I’ve found so far.
Negative view: The losses of old age are terrible and terrifying.
Flip: Dealing with loss is one of the challenges of old age. Every stage has challenges, that’s how we grow. I’m inspired by the compassion, courage, acceptance or inner peace that people can develop in the face of adversities like cancer or death of a loved one. Our culture does not value such achievements as much as the achievements of youth but they may be some of the most significant of our lives.
Negative view: Old bodies are repulsive.
Flip: This idea still seems true, particularly when I look at my own body. But I’m working on it. I tell myself that inner, not outer beauty is what counts now and that it’s ridiculous for a woman my age to be judged by standards for twenty-year-olds, even more ridiculous to be ashamed that I don’t meet those standards. But who thinks of my inner beauty when they see my sags and flab. Not me.
Negative view: Old people are out-of-it and irrelevant.
Flip: I don’t find being “in it” all that compelling anymore or relevant to what matters to me. True, I’m falling more and more behind popular culture but it feels like a choice. I see people racing ahead in relentless pursuit of “more” and “better” and am not tempted to join them. Achievement and progress may matter to younger people but old age may be the time to be present- rather than future-oriented. I am reminded of the 1970’s book, Be Here Now, and wonder if I’ll finally be able to heed Ram Dass’s call to presence now that I’m old.
Negative view: It’s morbid to dwell on death.
Flip: It may be morbid for younger people but death is one of the most significant issues for elders. It’s still hard to believe I’m going to die but I have noticed that the closer some people are to death, the more joy and gratitude they feel. I can also imagine how empowering it could be to be unafraid of death. Of course, our culture fails to recognize or benefit from those who achieve this realization.
This is as far as I’ve come in my effort to counter the spell of ageism. Knowing that a tidal wave of Boomers is beginning to enter this stage of life gives me hope that I, and elders in general, can make the most of our remaining time. Before long, elder values and perspectives may even bring balance to a culture that is super-charged, hyper-materialistic, and obsessed with physical beauty and power. And maybe I’ll be able to simply put on a bathing suit and go for a swim.
A very much appreciated and enjoyed article Amalia from the point of view of another baby boomer who is also very much engaged in ‘flipping’ the outlook and ingrained beliefs about ageism. I live in Perth Australia and choose each & every day to be so very grateful for all of my life – each and every day. Cheers
Your comment, Lorraine, is a reminder to me to choose to be grateful. I think old age repeatedly confronts us with the choice to dread or be grateful for life and I need to practice making the positive choice. “Gratitude’ is such a glorious feeling you’d think it would be easy to choose but our youth-oriented world does not recognize that there is this potential for inner growth in old age so many of us, myself included, fail to recognize it as well.
Thanks, Amalia, I find gratitude helps restore perspective, often. Feeling to share that I have created the 4-week Ageing R-Evolution Program combining both education around the Advance Health Directive with the gentle encouragement to acknowledge the value of our life regardless of how it has been. The pilot program was warmly received and my passion is to expand the scope within the community so as to support self-determination while inspiring kindness of heart and hope for those approaching end of life. Everyday is such a gift!
Amalia, I loved every bit of your blog and as a ‘young-old’ 53 year old also, studying my Masters of Ageing I’ve been looking for the voices and wisdom of my ‘elders’ to set a precedent or pathway for me and my contemporaries. I too have developed the ‘flip’ skill over the years but have found little in the next life stages so thank you for paving the way.
By ‘looking away‘ from what we don’t want to face ageing will continue to remain a frightening or depressing prospect. Your self reflection challenges that and truly helps us all. Please keep sharing, I look forward to more or your views – the good, the bad and the ugly! Let’s normalise the conversation and find the little silver linings for there always are some.
Stacey
Wow, Stacey, thank you. I am encouraged to hear that someone your age is able to choose to not dread getting old. Most younger people don’t realize they have that choice.
Amalia
p.s. Some of those silver linings may not be so little.
Remember NOW’s Consciousness raising groups. The manual was very helpful in laying out a series of topics for women to share. A similar manual would help defeat ageism. Ageism happens at every age, just more when age is seen as inevitable.
At 30 or 40 or 50 there is still the idea that one can fix whatever is wrong — a better tomorrow. Part of the freedom of age is that one no longer has to feel they are a slouch if they don’t look like the latest fashion model. Correcting ageism is wonderful for the over 70 crowd but it starts with the younger crowd.
With femnist conscious raising groups it was the mix of generations that was most enlightening.
Yes, Sharon, consciousness raising was the engine for re-visioning assumptions about women and The Female back in the day and it is the same force driving the current re-visioning of age. I just googled “conscious ageing” and a great many references came up. Some of them are probably the kind of manual you spoke of.
It is always a plus when you are able to understand the negatives, but then you can make a positive out of it. I think that it is good to know and truly understand what ageism is because then it is easier to accommodate with, especially if you are the one experiencing it. I really enjoyed reading this post.
Glad you enjoyed my post, Paige, and hope you enjoy getting old as well.
Thank you for this well-written and thoughtful article. I appreciate your sharing deeply personal insights and feelings to help us old folks make sense of the next stage of aging. I will work on flipping my thoughts to more positive ones.
Thank you, Wendy. I hope I didn’t imply that old age is all wonderful. “Us old folks” are probably in for some heavy duty challenges but, like challenges at any other life stage, I find it more useful to view them, not as “terrible” but as part of our growth and development.
I’m always glad to meet another “flipper.” Thanks for doing that work, Richard. It helps us all.
Beautifully written and insightful. I love how you help readers take a look at both sides of the coin from your perspective, which strikes a similar cord in most of us. Well done.
I appreciate your kind words, Kathy. I hope that “similar chord” gets loud quickly so we can all make the most of this time of life.
Amalia
Thank you so much for writing this. I just turned 75 and feel exactly the same. It’s always helpful to know ones feelings are shared by others.
Yes, Sue, it can be quite a jolt to realize we are old. Hope it’s a positive time for you.
Thanks for this article. As an interfaith chaplain at a large CCRC, much of my time is spent helping folk through the grieving process caused by diminished capacity. Finding ways to “flip” from the negative view is a challenge to be sure but a necessary step on the way to finding meaning in our aging.
It looks like my response to you did not get connected to your post, Richard, so I am re-sending. I said that I was always glad to meet another “flipper” and thanked you for the work you do. It helps us all.
Amalia