I have been writing about growing older. The process of sitting down and thinking about what I have been learning has taken me to places in my own awareness that I didn’t know existed. Strangely, I‘ve been learning from some mystery source within me. What I realized lately, is such a new idea for me, and is so relevant to what I perceive around me, that I want to share this exploration, because if this idea has any merit, it might decrease our suffering. It has something to do with growing older, something inevitable, that you and I have no control over.
I guess I started consciously aging when I had my stroke. Before then, aging was kind of abstract, a kind of diminishment I was going to go through some day in the future. Then my life was overturned by a long near death experience. The experience itself taught me a lot about this precious miracle we call Life. Afterward, when I realized that I was going to come back to Life, as an older, broken-down, disabled, remnant of a man, I came face-to-face with what it meant to be an old person in a world that focuses on health, production, and eternal doing.
I have been dwelling within this experience for some time now. I bring the perspective and sensitization of my long nightmare. I bring this to being a disabled, brain-damaged man, alive and older. I don’t think I have yet recovered from what happened to me. So, I’m still reeling from the sucker punch Life gave me, the one that broke through my lethargy, and renewed this process of awakening. Wakening anew has meant, among other things, finding out more about entering and occupying the ranks of the old.
In truth, I’m still an infant old person. I’m only 65. I still have the energy to be indignant about how old people are treated, and I have the awareness to know that this is a disservice to all. So, a part of what motivates me to write about this, to care, to try to create a change, is because I hate waste. Its not that the old are cast off — don’t get me wrong that bothers me — but what really irks me, is that perspective, hard-won experience, and wisdom go too.
I live with a fear that haunts me, and makes getting older a restless, anxiety-provoking time. I fear being placed, in my wheelchair, in some back ward somewhere, where nobody knows me or cares about me. Somehow, I know it has happened, and can happen again, perhaps to me. Contrast this fear, with the budding sense I have, that I am just now ripening into what I was meant to be, and you have the raw ingredients for all kinds of tumult. My thoughts are trying to compensate for the remarkable ignorance I’m finding in myself, and in my culture.
Well, these thoughts and feelings happened upon something the other day, which has shaken me, and makes this a bad dream, one I dearly want to wake from. I already have a hard time being a disabled person (the disabled were the first people the Nazi’s tried to exterminate). I’ve had to learn all the difficult lessons that most people fear will come with the debilities of old age. I have had to learn how to be dependent. I’ve had to learn how to ask for help. I’ve had to face my own diminishment, to know my own incapacity, to sit with helplessness. I know I am feared. People practice “gaze aversion” with me all the time. I have had to deal with being a product of this culture. I have had to battle with my own internalized prejudice against being disabled. Basically, I’ve hated and feared my self.
Luckily, I’ve been at this for a while. I’ve learned what I had to, and overcome most of my own prejudice. By and large, I’m now immune to most of the prejudice directed my way. Life has granted me the time, friends and necessity to de-personalize most of this. But, what I just discovered, is that I, and other overtly disabled people like me, are the advance guard. We are on the same continuum as everybody else.
The old are being treated just like the disabled. They are made invisible, irrelevant, and treated like a drain on society. Its easy (relatively) to cast me off because I’m visibly broken, its also easy to cast off the grey, slow, forgetful, aging ones. If you don’t think you are being cast off just check-in on how isolated and alone you are, and look around and see how many of your friends are old and grey just like you.
I sometimes hurt when older people don’t see my disability, because then they are also not seeing the truth of their own aging. I’m lucky I don’t have chronic pain, but I do have chronic awareness. I feel, through some other means than my body, the emotions of the moment, the tides of awareness, the reality that is to hard to take. For better, or worse, I reside there. I can feel the cost that everyone is paying for not seeing what is hidden in old age, disability and our basic human-ness.
I am big, vital, articulate and full of Life, so people frequently don’t see me as disabled. That is good because I’m more than broken down, but not seeing that I am also disabled, that I am struggling just to keep up, negates who I am, and worse yet, ignores the fragile humanity of the latter years. Old age is feared because it is treated like a disability. I can say this because I recognize it, because I am there, because I want more from, and more for, my kind.
Growing older is nightmarish, but it also provides glimpses of how heaven is right here within reach. I think these glimpses, which reside in the failing sight of the old, and the disabled, are precious, and should be a regular part of our collective journey into mystery.
Hello, my name is Armando Ercole and I am an Aging 320 student of the Erickson school of Aging. I chose the blog “Growing Older” because i have thought about how a person’s life changes from young to old. This blog informed me that growing older isn’t just bad, but can also be a positive thing. The older you get the more experiences you’ll have and you will be able to tell people those experiences, such as giving knowledge to your children/grandchildren to learn and pass down. People fear of getting old because they think when you get old you will be treated as a disability. We should not forget that all elders were once kids and young adults. This relates to what is learned in class because in class we have learned that the best way to spread knowledge is by getting it passed down from your parents or grandparents. I have realized so many people go through the same things in life as you, and you can have great connections by relating your experiences. Being able to talk to elders, someone who has already lived through what you are going through now, and asking questions and learning about life is honestly a remarkable thing that not many people really appreciate.
Thank You,
Armando
Hi Mr. Goff,
I am an AGNG 320 student at the Erickson School of Aging. Thanks for sharing your feelings and deep thoughts about “growing older.” I was impressed by the way in which you compare treating older adults with treating disabled people. The comparison does express how useless, sorrow and painful mentally or physically that most of the old have been experiencing every day in different levels. Some older adults can recognize how better they want their life to be and try their best to cope with the changes caused by aging, while others are mentally trapped into the declines and consciously or unintentionally progress the downstream process. The post also reminds me about the way I treat my parents who are currently entering their 60s. I realize that for a long time, maybe since the time I started acknowledging the world around me which was defined by the adults, I have been absorbing social norms about the weakness and declined awareness of older people as a natural trend. As a result, I was told to take care of, love, respect and treat them in a good manner to make their life easier. The missing important piece of this puzzle of treating is communication to understand older adults as individuals having their own needs and feelings like younger people. I also realize that we are stopping communicating with people in their late life. More common, unintentionally, I have been judging my parents based on common sense, logic, and scientific knowledge, and unconsciously try proving their cognition decline. It is the way that wears out my patience in most of our conversations. I am affected by social norms about growing old. In general, this kind of stressful communication makes the situation worse, increases disappointment and reduces self-confidence of older adults. The solution for this issue may be implicated in how much we, as younger people, understand our beloved elders to recognize their positive purposes and give them social/emotional support to be an active part of family and social life again.
Hi, I am an AGNG 320 student at the Erickson School of Aging. This post caught my attention because i work in the health field, specifically home care. Even though this post does not specifically talk about the neglect elders receive at some health facilities, my main focus will be on that. Unfortunately, aging is often accompanied by age-related diseases such as dementia, arthritis, diabetes and so forth. Those diseases cause them to be in pain and sick for the most time causing them to be dependent. Those patients who are under informal care which is care from a family member (unpaid), they lack the proper training to care for older adults.This causes the caregiver to sometime ignore signs of neglect or depression, and can rule depression as signs of aging instead of actual depression. Now for those under formal care like a nursing home, or assisted living they are not voided from the cruel act of neglect either. One reason can be because agencies used to hire untrained people to care for elders. Another can be the cause of under-staffing at healthcare facilities, resulting in less regular interactions between the caregiver and the patient. It comes back to everything we learned in class on healthy aging which tends to promote healthy aging among older adults; and treatments like the ones cited on this post toward elders can lead to obesity, increase risks of falls due to the lack of interactions, and mostly depression caused by the feeling of diminishment.
Haber, D. (2013). Health promotion and aging: Practical applications for health professionals (6th ed.). New York, NY: Springer Publishing Company, 291-314.
Hi, my name is Tae and I am an Aging 200 student at Erickson school of aging. From reading this, I was able to understand the fears and concerns people have in aging in a more personal level. With this said, I want to say thank you for sharing your personal thoughts. I do believe that by sharing your feelings and concerns, more people (especially younger people) will definitely benefit. For example, younger generations can respect their elders even more in depth and can connect easier. This idea is exactly what we have been talking about in our Aging 200 class; sharing and giving advices. This article, not only shares ones fears and concerns, but also give advices in what a person should do as they are getting older, and that having these fears and concerns as they are getting older is normal (which gives them confidence). I personally think that sharing ideas and advices and critical in creating a better society for everyone. Once again, I want to thank you David for this amazing post.
Hello, my name is Noor-Ul-Ain Naeem and I am an Aging 200 student at the Erickson school of Aging. The blog growing older grabbed my attention because it means you should appreciate your surroundings and appreciate the elderly. This blog informed me that getting old is not a bad thing, but is a good thing. That is because the older you get the more experiences you will have and you will be able to tell people those experiences. People fear of getting old because they think when you get old you will be treated as a disability. Sometimes people get very busy and forget about the blessings they have. This relates to what is learned in class because in class we have learned that the best way to spread knowledge is by getting it passed down from your parents or grandparents. Also, I think life is a blessing because there are so many age groups you can relate to.
David, thanks again for your courage and articulation; your deep sensitivity and feeling. It’s showing the way forward.
Hello David . Thank you so very much for your inspiring words even in your moments of immense disability . The ‘ GAZE AVERSION ‘ is also what I am subjected you and you are reduced to nothingness ! Its like a journey to hell and back and when you are back you get a glimpse of heaven . Its like ‘no pain , no gain ‘ .
I am 68 and was down and out over the past many months and your message has shown me and given some sense of positive bliss . Thank you so much , Warm wishes — Arthur James , Mumbai , India .
Courageous and excellent! Thank you David!