I enjoy reporting on issues related to changing aging and elderhood but sometimes feel insecure about voicing an opinion on a stage of life I haven’t actually experienced. Like many readers I’ve cared for and lost beloved family members and am deeply involved in the culture change movement in long term care… but I when it comes to actually understanding life after adulthood, what do I know?
I’ll tell you this much — I know enough about living in the clutches of our culture’s cult of adulthood that I cannot freaking wait to outgrow it and become old. For those unfamiliar with Dr. Bill’s theory on the “cult of adulthood”, I’ll give you a simple, personal example. As an adult in our society, I feel I’ve completely lost the ability to “play”.
This goes to the heart of the intrinsic difference between “doing” and “being”. Children live in a constant state of “being” — of truly living in the moment. Playing is one of the purest forms of being. As they grow older, they learn (and society pushes them at an increasingly younger age) the importance of “doing” rather than “being”. Organized activities, competitive sports and standards-based education all emphasize doing over being and are intended to prepare children for adulthood, the ultimate state of “doing”.
Sure, adults need to “do” stuff to pay the bills. But there are incredible benefits to being and playing that we neglect. Playing is critical to fostering creativity and learning — at any age. Playing connects us to others and builds our relationships. Playing cures boredom, loneliness and depression (where have I heard that before?) and in general makes us happy. Playing relieves stress, cures emotional wounds and makes us more healthy.
But to really “play” you must stop “doing” productive stuff. Ironically, wasting time has never been more valuable.
I am told by elders — and the research strongly backs them up — that one of the greatest gifts of older age is an ability to spend more time “being” rather than “doing”. It is said — and again, all research backs it up — that elders are especially connected to and good with children because they are able to “be” with them in a way that adults find difficult.
So, while I don’t personally know what it’s like to be an elder I sure as hell know what it’s like to be an adult and I can say this with authority — I don’t know how to stop “doing” and just “be”. I am painfully reminded of this every single day by my two children, ages five and nine months. In particular, I’ve experienced few things in my life more difficult than the daily transition from “doing” my work to playing make-believe with my five-year-old.
I’m proud to brag that my daughter is highly imaginative and extremely playful. But it is excruciating for me to ignore my phone and stop my brain from churning on matters of business when I’m supposed to be playing My Little Ponies with her. The sad truth is this isn’t a new revelation — I’ve been aware of this problem for several years. And I’ve been trying to intentionally improve my ability to “be” through the (irregular) practice of mindfulness meditation.
I’m sure every single person who has had the misfortune of being an adult can relate to my dilemma. I felt like I was making progress via my mindfulness meditation practice, but since my second child arrived nine months ago it has just been impossible to find time for it. There’s a great Buddhist saying, “meditate every day for 30 minutes. If you don’t have enough time for that then mediate for an hour.”
Maybe I’ll do that after finishing this blog post (and answering emails, and checking Twitter, and doing a webinar and returning phone calls and making some lunch and changing the laundry and picking up my daughter from Kindergarten — whoops, times up!). In the meantime, can I get some help? Can any readers recommend any good books or resources to teach a wretched adult how to play again?
[Editors note: This blog post is an example of our new section Journeys dedicated to stories about navigating life's passages. Do you have a Journey to share? Submit a guestblog here.]
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I think it has more to do with who we are than how old we are. I am 71 and still need to be “doing” all the time and find it hard to be mindful. See, you could have used the time you wrote the blog to meditate, but you wrote the blog instead. I do the same thing.
I’ve thought a lot about adult play. And learned a lot. And played a lot. For the last 45 years. Here’s a collection of posts I’ve written about playfulness – http://www.deepfun.com/?s=+playfulness – that might be a good place to start. There are lots of articles and playfulizing resources on my site. You’ll find the tip of the virtual iceberg here – http://www.deepfun.com/resources/ – In the mean time, here’s a short article that I’m hoping will get you started back on the playful path http://www.deepfun.com/fun/2011/06/fun-is-easy/
Yes, adults and elders need to continue playing. Life without play is a life few would want, much less advocate.
Children play anywhere, everywhere, almost spontaneously, especially imaginative, fantasy play, alone or with others.
This is not so much the case for adults and elders, regrettably. We find props, surroundings, playmates help us play, shift from our doing selves to our being selves, if you like.
Being playful is easiest outdoors. I agree with Salme, although, of course, indoor play isn’t impossible. Outdoors doesn’t quite suffice, however. Better to see see, hear, smell, and touch natural elements (trees, grass, birds, flowers, wood, soil, etc). Think parks and large gardens
Add footpaths and benches, now you have the beginnings of social place to be playful. If you add a few more elements, like music, games, or shelters, and you have a positively attractive, appealing outdoor place to enjoy, where being playful is likely to be easier, faciltitated even.
Games are fun, by definition, and are 99% multi-person, or social. They are also exercises, physical and/or mental. Adults, and especially elders, need to “use it or lose it.” Play and promote balace. Play and promote aerobics. Play and promote stretching. Play and be mindful. Play and be well.
I am Michael Cohen, and I design wellness playgrounds for elders.
Start using a crappy phone with a battery that dies all the time. The more often it breaks, the more you’ll be forced to realize you can live without it. Plus, you’ll occasionally have a legit reason for not being tied to it’s long arm of a leash, eventually you’ll just start turning it off or leaving it behind instead of running back to get it.
Check out my “Word of the Day” photo album on FB, I just posted something exactly on point for you regarding this, but it’s not nearly as scholarly. Look for the pic of a sad faced guy talking on his cell phone, and let me know what you think. If ever we meet on a social occasion, I’ll be sure to accidentally lock your phone in my car before we trek off to the walking trails and such… My treat.
Hi Kavan,This article is very timely for me. My presentation on Serious play (or it is OK to have fun)that I am co presenting with a good Eden friend John Killick at the next Scottish Care Conference has been accepted. We have over an hour to talk about the Eden Alternative,concentating on variety and spontaneity and to introduce ways of how play can enhance the wellbeing of people living with dementia.
When I went to retreat. I just brought a lot of spiritual articles to read. In the middle of the retreat someone from somewhere whispered me that it was not the reason I was there. So I just sat on the verandah, and then I noticed for the first time after two days there that I had been surrounded by beautiful natures! “Being’ is not easy. Thanks
OK, I’ve got one. We create a platform/initiative to facilitate and encourage people – adults – to arrange play dates based on shared interests. An emphasis on spontaneity. No doubt things like this already exist, but so what. I think framed in this way, as a campaign to take back play, we might be on to something.
Wow, Kevan! This is a thoughtful and insightful piece that offers a glimpse into an ongoing struggle we all face –staying grounded in a constantly changing digital world. Sounds like you are doing a pretty good job!
More and more seniors and elders are using more and more digital devices as well as social media. I hope that the mindfulness that grows and increases as we age remains a strong characteristic even as technology becomes more ubiquitous the lives of aging adults.
You might enjoy reading Hamlet’s Blackberry by William Powers — all about family life and creating healthy, non-digital family experiences. I recommend this book frequently on my other blog, MediaTechParenting.net.
Marti
Thanks Marti! Look at you, the blog maven. I’ll definitely have to check out your other site.
Thanks Salme- Suomi säännöt!
Have to add that the playing takes places outside. All year round despite the weather conditions.
By all measurements Finland has the best education system in the world. They have not achieved this through rigorous, standards-based, achievement-oriented, education pedagogy. They haven’t achieved it by longer school days or more intensive instruction. On the contrary, Finnish students generally start school a year later than Americans and their school day and school year are shorter. And yes, children must take a break every 45 minutes to play. Imagine all that wasted time when they could be drilling on standardized tests!
What is this life if full of care
We have no time to stand and stare?
No time to stand beneath the boughs
And stare as long as sheep, or cows.
No time to see, when woods we pass,
Where squirrels hide their nuts in grass.
No time to see, in broad daylight,
Streams full of stars, like skies at night.
No time to turn at Beauty’s glance,
And watch her feet, how they can dance.
No time to wait till her mouth can
Enrich that smile her eyes began.
A poor life this, if full of care,
We have no time to stand and stare.
William Henry Davies
It’s hard not to be a compulsive doer — not only is it highly addictive, but society condemns those who waste time. We are way to harsh in our outright condemnation of doing nothing — hence all the pejorative terms we have for slackers. The gamifying trend is interesting — I think the value in the trend is not in making the work more fun, but in crowdsourcing it in a unique way that delivers results otherwise very difficult to achieve. If it truly makes the task more pleasurable and fun, I don’t think anyone would argue against it.
Kavan, weren’t you telling me about the play breaks for Finnish children? Seems highly relevant.
I must confess to being a compulsive do-er. Though I hope this doesn’t make me a player-hata. One of my frustrations with games is that they don’t go anywhere, or do anything. I’m intrigued by the movement to “gamify” various odious and onerous tasks through digital technology, tricking people to productive ends by having them just play a game. But perhaps that’s part of the problem?